Life Reset (and a little history)

I've been working on a personal (much-needed) reset plan. I started this journey at the beginning of February. While I can say it started out great, it did become a little more difficult to manage. I would say I accomplished 75% of what I wanted (so far). Which isn't perfect, but it's better than where I started.

I decided, this year I need to take care of ME a little more. I've slacked on this a lot in the past years. I've let myself go, physically and mentally, and I always find myself putting Lacie on the back burner. Sure while everyone always says "I want/need to lose weight, get in shape" blah blah blah, I wanted to focus more on my mental health and just taking care of ME, the rest will come on its own. It's hard, I know, especially when my life revolves so much around my kids, family, and work. I tend to forget that in order to be my best for them, I need to be my best for me first. My mom has told some that I tend to "burn my candle at both ends". Let me explain...

Backstory (buckle up, this is going to be long)

2021-2022 was what I consider the beginning of my "not putting any effort into taking care of myself at all" time of my life. Sure it was pandemic time, but believe it or not, the pandemic didn't have much to do with it at all (a little, but not much). I'll explain. Grab some popcorn.....

2021 started out interesting for me and my family. We all started out with Covid, which was harder on me and my husband than my kids. Thankfully Kamdyn pretty much has no symptoms except for being a little tired for a few days, and Brozden was sick for all of one day (that boy has an incredible immune system). This was the second time I had it. The first time was when it first hit the U.S. and they weren't really testing for it unless you had been out of the country, so I wasn't tested right away for it. I had the antibody test done a few months later. We are all super lucky and never had to be hospitalized at all (although in hind site, I was probably bad enough that I should have gone, but I didn't, which I'm glad I toughed it out at home).

Due to the fact that I had covid, a much-needed surgery I was scheduled to have had to be postponed. I had been dealing with a severe ankle injury that affected me daily and basically made it very difficult for me to do daily things and just walk for any duration of time. I had been dealing with constant pain for a year and 2 months. Being in pain 24/7 is exhausting, mentally and physically. It's depressing. Luckily, I finally had the surgery and immediately, the constant pain was gone. It was amazing! Problem one, is solved.

Feeling amazing was short-lived for me. I began suffering MAJOR hair loss. I mean CLUMPS, daily. I remember every morning when I would brush my hair, I would have to clean my hair bush out at least 3-4 times and would end up with a sink full of hair. It was gross and worrisome. When I would just run my hand through my hair, I'd have a hand full of hair. I noticed it was falling out at the root. This continued for months before I finally broke down and went to the doctor. Now, for me to go to the doctor for hair loss is saying something. For anyone who doesn't know me, I naturally have an ungodly thick head of hair. So thick that I jokingly often say "I can't wait until I'm old and start losing my hair and it starts to thin" lol... well it happened, except I wasn't old... and I was losing too much. What I found out from the doctor was that it was essentially a post covid symptom. Since my body was so busy fighting covid when I was sick, it stopped its natural process of shedding hair.. now my body was in overdrive shedding. It made sense, but I wasn't thrilled with it. It lasted about 8 months to a year, then slowed to just my normal-ish girly shed.

After things with surgery, covid illnesses, and hair loss calmed down (or just became the new norm), my dad got sick. He started having doctor's appointments several times a week. We didn't really know what was wrong with him, we just knew his symptoms and what labs said, but something wasn't right. His wife was traveling and gone a lot due to her helping her daughter and grandson with some ongoing medical problems, so I started helping Dad. My dad lives about 2 hours away from me, so that meant a lot of time away from home/kids and a lot of time driving back a forth. I would sometimes just pack a bag and go stay with him for several days, come home on a weekend, and then drive back a few days later. My mom and my husband managed the kids, while I helped with Dad. They never questioned it or complained (they are great!)

There was one stint of me staying with him for about a week or so, it was the first week back to school and after school activities, I get a call from my mom about the kid's FIRST night back. I thought it would be to tell me how good the first day back went. Nope, it was my daughter sobbing on the phone. She was so upset about some things that had been happening, which I can't go into detail about now (all in good time). I thought it might have just been the stress of the changes in our home life as a result of me being gone and things being a little chaotic, but no. It was something totally different, not what I expected, and had been going on for longer than I truly realized. After having a talk with her about everything I figured it would calm down and go back to normal, and I think she thought it would as well. I was wrong again. I'll go into more detail on this whole sequence of events in a later blog. ... moving on.

I remember one night specifically, my dad was rushed by ambulance to the ER from his home (this had probably been the 3rd time, maybe 4th time). I happen to be back at my house that day, but not for long. I got in my car and rush back to the ER he was being taken to and was there until about 1 or 2 am... I was so mad at the hospital (I have bad associations with this hospital anyways). I drove back home after they got him in a room (after they kept him in the hallway, next to a bathroom, on a stretcher, after being rushed in WITH HEART PROBLEMS by ambulance... for 4 HOURS!!) and basically said they wouldn't be doing anything until the morning anyways, got about 3 hours of sleep and got back up, and drove back to the hospital so I could try to be there before the doctors made their round to talk to him. I knew whatever the doctors said to him, he wouldn't remember. His memory was not great at the time (one of the new symptoms we couldn't explain). I stayed there all day with him, then drove back home that night. The next day I drove back to the hospital to just stay with him in the hospital for the next several days, sleeping in the little hospital chair, so he wouldn't be alone (this hospital was not known for good patient care, and as I mentioned, he couldn't remember anything and truthfully couldn't even remember what was going on with him). Whoever stayed with him the first 2 nights had to leave (it was either his wife or my sister) and we didn't want him alone. I was so tired I was delirious. This stay ended up being a month-long stay and he left with a broken back (which wasn't broken when he went in there), I was livid!... did I mention I also just started a new job (and was a full-time master's student)?!?! I actually had to postpone my start date by a week because I was helping him to and from several different appointments at several different doctors' offices one week.

While dealing with all the stuff going on with my daughter, my dad being sick, and my son having some major anxiety and social phobia issues we were trying to figure out treatment for and dealing with the reactions he was dealing with (which I didn't even talk about), my Aunt who we are very close with, passed away from cancer (on Kamdyns birthday. I did not tell her on that day). This brought back feelings and memories of losing my other aunt just a few years prior to cancer also. Now, while all of this stuff isn't happening to me DIRECTLY, it is affecting me and my time management skill and dictating what gets put first and what goes on the back burner... i.e, I put myself on the back burner and everyone/everything else first.

All while dealing with managing my ever-growing trail of hair I would leave around everywhere, family and kid stuff, I also lost my period... for almost a year!! While most women would be so excited to not have to deal with that monthly visitor, I knew something was wrong and I was way too young for menopause. After a few different visits with different doctors, blood tests, exams, biopsies, and whatnot, it was determined that at the time, this was due to stress.

While sure, a lot of the things above (joined with working full time and being a full-time master's student) contributed to my stress, those were the LEAST of my stress-causing factors. If those were the only things I was having to deal with, I could manage those. I can handle taking care of others. I slack when it comes to taking care of myself.

There was someone in my life at the time who, even to this day, I have PTSD when the thought of having to be in the same room as them comes up or even their name is mentioned. I can literally feel my stress levels rise and my blood pressure goes up. I'm not going to name names because I just don't want to put that kind of information out there. This person reminded me a lot of an ex, in the sense that they were a manipulator, narcissistic, and just all-around fake and not a nice person. But I tell you what, they would be nice to your face until they weren't. This person verbally attacked me in front of my child in a parking lot and would harass me constantly via text, calls, and Facebook messages, and just try to manipulate my time (which you could tell, I don't have much to spare). They would try to take any little tidbit of information they thought they could find on you (whether true or not) and hold it over your head and twist it to fit their narrative. They know EVERYTHING, ALL of the time... even when they don't. I'm not the only person they would do this to either. The one person who I/we depended on to keep the other under control couldn't stand up to them.

This person had also been told several times never to communicate with me, don't talk to me, just stay away.. by myself and others, but it didn't work. I think this person is one of those who feel they have to control everyone else to feel in control of themselves. I tried to just ignore them as much as possible for my kids' sake (it's hard to explain but I had to be involved with this person because of them). When my kids, my husband, and my mom started noticing what this person was doing to me and the effects it was having on me, that's when I knew. It was bad. They noticed it way before I did. I think I just tried to ignore it and what it was doing to me because so many people I cared about were in some way connected to this person.

While I managed to get away from that person and get my family away from them (well my husband finally made that call, which in hindsight I'm glad he did), the effects still linger. (Now while these are not ALL the things I was dealing with, these are what I felt to be the major things that happened in my life at that time). Anyways, the stress that this person caused I'm my life was terrible and still lingers to this day. I still dread the thought of possibly having to be around them. I hate the thought of accidentally bumping into them somewhere, or just the mention of their name causes my blood pressure and heart rate to rise. It's like I have a PTSD response when this happens. It took me a year or so and talking things out with my husband to figure out that was what was happening.

I had completely stopped taking care of myself. I found myself silently knowing that I was dealing with some anxiety and depression as a result of what I was dealing with on the daily. It wore me down- mentally, emotionally, and physically. I mean I lost my period for over a year, and it still isn't normal. TMI, but I don't care. Im Basically an open book. In the last two and a half years, I've had 3.

The fact that I was ignoring so much to try to just get by day by day, I would sometimes just find myself driving in my car alone and I would start crying. My car became my safe place where I could just let it all out and try to make more room to hide what I was dealing with. Now, I'm talking about daily crying in the car.

I did talk to my husband about it often, but it was just something I had to figure out. Him making the decision to pull our family (and by-product me) away from toxic stuff was a big relief. It was difficult for the first few months, just coping with the changes, and still knowing that we would have to be around those people occasionally. Coping with the fact that some people who were a part of our daily lives and important to us just outcasted us, turned their backs on us, and never cared to ask why:... or don't ask, but still be friendly. It was so strange. That being said, the break was needed and showed us who our true people were. (For those that didn't let this stuff affect OUR relationships, I thank you and I love you!)

I would say everyone in my family is now in a much better place, physically and mentally and we are all surrounded by people who care about us and are genuine. My daughter's mental health has improved a LOT, which makes me happy as a mom. She still has some things to work on but it's more of normal teen girl stuff. My son is happy and thriving at his school and he has found gymnastics, which is great for him. We finally have some answers about my dad's health. While he's still very sick, we know what's going on and have a semi-game plan. I feel like I've improved mentally a lot as well. In fact, I'm happy to report I haven't had a "car cry session" in a long time.

So now that I feel everything has been on the up and up and we are all better and in a better place, now I just want to do some "housekeeping if you will". I feel like I've been in need of a full reset, a clean slate, and just optimizing the fresh start we've been granted.

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So back to my February reset plan. I say February because that's when I finally felt I was in a good enough head space for a reset and restart. I had completed some super big project I was working on and just felt things were going well again.

So here's what I did.

So for starters, find what method works best for you. I'm very much old-fashioned and love writing things out. I like being able to make it visually appealing (makes me want to look at it more), writing my plan, and checking things off as I accomplish them. It helps me feel accomplished when I can check a box and say "Yup, I did that!". Others might like to do things digitally. You do what works for you! (also, if you have any cool apps for this, please let me know in the comments below, and ill check them out!)

Next, I set a few different goals. I had daily/overall goals. monthly goals, and then some long-term goals. Now I will say that some of my daily/overall goals were things I had already been working on for a few months now. I still wanted to write them down to help me visualize them being completed. Some examples of my goals were:

Daily/Overall

The theme for all my daily goals was doing something for ME, for my health, and for myself. I wanted them to be little things that were easily accomplishable and not set me up for failure. Sure I'd love to get out there and jog 10 miles a day... am I going to do that, no. Do I have time to do that, heck no! For a few different reasons:

1. I'm out of shape so I'd probably kill over a die

2. WHEN am I going to do that? It's not feasible to do every day. So I chose to start small.

• Drink more water (I do best with ice-cold water, sometimes with a little lime in it). I shoot for 75-100 oz a day. #hydratebaby

• Drink Body Bloom in the morning. (I thought I would try this for its skin, nails, and hair support and digestive well-being). I'm a big fan of Sarah's Day and have been a follower of hers for many many years. I haven't done this long enough to tell if it works or not, but the routine of it is nice.

• Do better at incorporating my vitamins into my day. (I take vitamin D3 and zinc. I have recently incorporated a multivitamin, a pre and probiotic, an ACV metabolism support and a "cravings support" vitamin). I'm also giving the Olly sleep and stress support capsules a go.

• Sking care! I used to LOVE my skincare routine and it was one of those things that got put on the back burner. I take just 15-20 minutes at night and do a good skin session. It's a nice little mini-pamper moment for me.

• Sunday weekly resets. So this is just to ensure I stay on track for the new week. If I had a bad week, I can reset and start again fresh on Monday morning. It's also just a way to have some me time, to make sure I'm not pushing myself to the back burner as badly as I did before. Even if it's just one day, one hour, or one evening for myself, it makes a difference.

My Ideal and perfect Sunday reset day would include the following:

• Open the windows/blinds! Natural light makes me happy!

• Music that makes me happy (changes depending on my mood and task)

• Listening to podcasts (to break up the music)

• Working in the kitchen (meal preps for the week)

• Facemask or a little extra care to my skin

• Hair mask

• Making the bed (so it's nice for a good night's sleep), adding some pillow mist

• Cleaning my bedside table

• Maybe even find some time to watch an episode on my monthly "to watch" (see below)

• Ending the evening updating my planner for the next week and getting everything lined out. I like to light a smell-good candle, make my room nice and bright, chill on my bed with my kitty (he's the cutest), listen to music, and do this. Maybe write a little week's reflection in my book.

Monthly

Again, I chose to stick with something that makes me feel good and/or try to start a new habit. I did pick one "challenge" if you will. I even had a reward. If I completed my one "challenge" I'd give myself a reward of ONE large 7brew coffee. YUM!

• Read a Book! Now, I'm not normally much of a reader, but I thought I would give it a shot. My book for February that I wanted to read was Spare, by Pring Harry. I actually ended up listening to it on Audible while I was at work or driving in the car. While I didn't "sit down and read it" I still count it as a book for the month. I really enjoyed this book. March got away from me before I could start my next book, so I'm moving my March option to April, All Good People Here, by Ashley Flowers. I also really enjoyed this book (I bought the hard copy, as I prefer actually books I can hold over audiobooks). My book(s) for May are Atomic Habits by James Clear and The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life by Mark Manson, Roger Wayne, et al. While it's not quite May yet, I Have already started on Atomic Habits. I try to read for 15 minutes, or one section/chapter a night.

• I also picked a show that had been on my watch list and told myself I would watch it this month. Keeping on theme (The Royals), my first pick was Megan and Harry's special on Netflix. Again, I really enjoyed it and felt I learned a lot about what they went through to get to where they are. My April pick was The Disappearance of Madeleine McCann. Im not going to lie, it started out good, but then I lost interest in it. I have two more episodes to go so ill push through it. I also watched “Waco: American Apocalypse” and it was so good. I was going to put “American Manhunt: The Boston Marathon Bombing" on my list for May... but I've already watched it (in one day!). I'm sure you can see a trend of shows I like (I love docuseries) .. suggestions, please!! I need a May show.

• No Spend February! While I lasted ALMOST the whole month of February, I did falter towards the end... March again was a super crazy month and hard to implement anything, so moving this goal to April. Now when I say "No Spend (insert month here)", I mean extra spending. Obviously, I have to pay bills, get gas, and whatnot. I mean unnecessary stuff. I'm going to try this for April, then whatever I have left at the end of the month is going to go into my savings for some things I'm saving for. *** (Since typing this, we have started to overhaul our family budget. I'll make a blog on that once everything is fully implemented as it is a process)

• Clean and declutter. I Picked two things I wanted to clean and declutter in my room. I figured I would keep this up monthly until I have done the whole room. So far I've done my dresser and bedside table. Next are my makeup cabinet and bathroom drawers.

Long Term Goals

I have a few projects (some secret right now) that I'm saving money for. I have a very strict budget I've set for myself as a challenge to see if I can save up the money I need for the specific projects/things I'm saving for. So I just wrote this all out so I could visualize it better.

Meal Plan/Prep

I even used my little book to write out my weekly meal plan and groceries. I felt this would help me stay on track. Yes, Im focusing on my mental health mostly, but food fuels your body and brain.

Brain Dump

This is why I like to write things down. Sometimes I just have little things I need to get done or work on or just things that have been on my mind. I do a "brain dump" in my notebook and get it all out. That way I can start the next week with a clear mind but I haven't completed just rid myself of those things. I can still reference and check things off, but I don't have to constantly remind myself of things. I just skim my book in the evenings and make a plan. By doing this, I've been able to prioritize things better. I have many projects I have been working on or want to work on. I had to prioritize them in order to make headway on them.

Some things I plan on putting on my to-do lists coming up, that I feel can help declutter my brain and workspace are cleaning and organizing emails, texts, phone, and computer. I feel like the digital storage of stuff, while not physically in your face, can be just as stressful and hectic. So my plan is to clean all that out and organize it to fit my needs and have one less thing to worry about.

Overall, I feel like there are different categories you can focus on. I chose to focus on personal/mental/emotional care and health, Finances, and organization. I feel all of these roll into a big picture of benefiting Goals and Personal Development.

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So as you can tell, my rest set isn't an overnight thing but a constant work in progress. Like me, I'm a constant work in progress. I have my small goals and accomplishments, weeklies, monthlies, and just life. I'm not always 100 percent on spot, but I try. If I fail, I just try it again. I'm trying to be easier on myself and give myself grace. I know what makes me happy (decluttering/organizing, music, skincare, and trying to take care of myself). I just know I need to do it more. I also always strive to better myself, whether that is picking up a new hobby or even an old one.. and just always trying to learn.

So all in short, try a personal rest. It's nice. Find what works for you, and what you want to accomplish or do, and just start working towards it. Give yourself grace. We are not perfect, we are human. That is all :) Go forth, Carpe Deim, Provehito In Altum... whatever you need to be your mantra, find it. Take care of yourself! You're important!

-Rothrock Mom